Loudmouth & The Great Poop Caper

LOUDMOUTH
I was at the pediatrician's office for Bella's cough and Emmett's 4 month checkup {yes he's actually five months} and Emmett was putting on quite a show: squealing and squawking for all he was worth {probably just trying to compete with Calvin & Bella, as they were showing off all their tricks as well}. The Dr. was doing his darndest to ignore the craziness, and not laugh every time Emmett let out a long howl. The doc has, afterall had a lot of experience with kids - he's been a pediatrician for a long, long time - he's actually retiring next month. But even he finally just stopped the exam - and looking over his bifocals at me, exclaimed, "That is the loudest baby I have EVER heard!" Welcome to the family baby Emmett. Looks like you've found your place!

THE GREAT POOP CAPER
A little tip. When your five year old comes to you and begs you to change the baby's poopy diaper to impress her friend - even if you are covered in paint because you've been refinishing your kitchen table, and it actually would be nice to have someone else do that for a change, and it would take you five minutes to properly clean up just so you could delve into that mess - do not, I repeat, do NOT cave in and say yes. If you fail to heed my warning, and you do, unfortunately say yes, this is what you have to look forward to:
Azure: OK! Thanks mom, we'll take care of it!
Me: But make sure he's on the changing pad!
Azure: He is.
Me: Make sure you get out the wipes before you take off his diaper.
Azure: We will!
{five seconds later Azure comes running into the kitchen}
Azure: Mo-om!!!! He's getting his feet in the poop! Come quick!
Me: Aaah! OK! Hold on one second! {hurry and try to rinse the paint off your hands. Azure runs back to the bedroom.}
Azure: {Screaming from the bedroom} Mo-om! Ooooo!!! GROSS!!! He just ate the poop!
Me: Azure!!! What on earth!!! {Run into the baby's room to see Azure's friend holding the baby's feet, which are indeed covered in poop. And incidentally, so is she. In fact everything in the near vicinity is covered in poop. Take a second to #1.Feel mortified about having to explain this to the friend's mom and tell her to go quickly wash up, and borrow a new shirt from Azure. And #2. Worry that your baby might get deathly ill from ingesting fecal matter. And #3. kick yourself in the shins for being naive enough to think that this could have gone any better. Then snap back to reality, pick up the baby and race him to the bathtub. Spend the next 20 minutes cleaning up the mess that would have taken you two if you'd just followed my advice and told your five your old a big N.O. to start with.}